Letters From and To Equestria

Dear Gilda the Golden,

I must apologise for my previous letter. I would like to reassure that my admiration of you is not in any way sexual or fetishistic. I simply get a thrill of ecstasy rushing down my body whenever I think about running my trembling fingers through the sleek, velvety, golden fur of your beautiful lioness belly.

It all began at the age of fourteen. I was at the lion enclosure at the zoo. One of the lionesses was lying on her back near the window, her paws raised in the air, her eyes half closed in an expression of absolute contentment. For a long while, my gaze was lost in the lush, creamy fur of her belly. Then she turned to face me, and blinked: as if sensing an admirer, and quietly approving. “Come and rub my belly,” she seemed to say. “Come and rub my belly and make me happy!” For countless nights since that glorious day, I have stayed up late, wondering what it would have been like to place my young hands on that lady lion’s exquisite belly.

Now, thirty years on, I sit here in my Mum’s basement watching “Griffon the Brush-Off” for the 927th time, my mind and body utterly consumed in the wild fire of your radiant beauty. I run my fingers up and down the cloth belly of my well-worn lioness plushie, imagining it to be real, imagining it to be you. But alas, my imagination fails me, for I know that cloth and Styrofoam can never amount to the silken warmth of fur and flesh, the taughtness and tension of powerful muscles, the rise and fall of ecstatic breaths. I want to put my hands on something living. I want to put my hands on you.

(I’m sorry, my hands are trembling as I write this. You might be flattered to know that you have that effect on me!)

I have not been lax in practice. Frequently, when the neighbours are out, I sneak into their backyard and give their cat a sample of my exquisite massaging skills. She stretches, writhes and purrs in gratitude, as I’m certain that you will, too.

Some day, when fate permits, we shall meet face to beak, and our true feelings for each other shall be revealed.

Your admirer from afar,

Kittywatcher.

PS: I must also apologise for all the smudging. After writing the above, I rubbed the letter up and down my sweaty belly to infuse my message with my own special scent. I’m sure you would appreciate, being part feline and all.

Dear Kittywatcher,

Hell, part of me almost wishes it was a sex thing. That would, in an odd (understatement of the century) way, almost make it more normal (not that it'd be normal in ANY WAY!) You've obviously put a lot of thought into these fantasies... I'm both impressed and sickened at how elaborate it is.

You're not a serial killer, are you?

Yeah. I bet your hands are trembling when you write this. And one's probably busy (if you know what I mean) so that makes it even harder (I'm full of double entendres today, ain't I?)

Anyway, this is what rubbing a lion (or a griffon's) belly feels like. Warm fuzzyness, and then searing pain when they BITE YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF.

Also, I smelled your “special scent” (can you do anything that isn't disturbing?) It smells like fear, sweat Cheetoes, angst, and more sweat.

Still very, VERY disturbed,

Gilda

PS: You're thirty and you still live with your mom? I hope that's not normal in humanland or whatever is it's called! Get a job for Caeli's sake!

PPS: Yes, I know what Cheetoes are. You consume too many of them.

PPPS: You don't wanna meet me face to face and see my true feelings about you, human.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Allow me to paint a picture for you of what Pony Communism might look like. For the purposes of this exercise I'm going to assume that Celestia allows events to proceed on their own.

Charismatic and intellectual ponies will start giving speeches about a new philosophy that would focus on several key points. One, “From each according to their abilities, to each according to their need”; that is, the skilled and powerful should support the weak and vulnerable. Two, that every pony should work together to solve common problems. Three, that the common pony can do fine on their own and the leaders in Canterlot are wasteful, parasitic elitists (this will be phrased much more nicely at first). At this point this sounds reasonable enough to be attractive to young, dispossessed idealists (like Dash or the Cutie Mark Crusaders) so ranks would start to form. These would turn into secretive gangs where loyalty to the cause will mean everything – something that will be important later.

At first the gangs would be very helpful, organizing community events and helping with community problems. This will allow the communists to position themselves as pony-tarians. However, the dark side would soon show. They would approach local business leaders (ex. Rarity) and tell them that some loyal members (ex. Snips and Snails) need jobs they aren't qualified for. Anyone who refuses to go along will have their businesses secretly ruined or have family members kidnapped. Members use these positions to get materials and funding for the group. Communist members will infiltrate more and more areas, including the civil service, increasing their rhetoric as they gain power.

When enough power is gained, the revolution will come. Any pony deemed too wealthy, too connected to the old regime, or in many cases too educated will be killed by a mob or tossed into a secret jail. You yourself would be killed in this phase if you hadn't been earlier. The new government would install its own people into all civic functions. However, this means that these functions will be run by people loyal to the Party, not by who is best qualified – so problems will quickly rise. Some pony within the revolution – probably one with an innocuous title like “Secretary” – will use these problems as an excuse to consolidate power. The other central figures of the revolution will be exiled, jailed or killed, the Secretary will blame all the problems on them, and say every pony has to work harder to make things work.

Rarity will lose her shop and be told she deserved it for having something while other ponies had nothing. It will be handed over to loyal Party members; and will almost inevitably do badly, since they know nothing about dress making. Hoity Toity's shop will do better for a while; until it's also closed for showing up the one run by Party members. The dress shop will make dresses for the ponies who “deserve them most” - the leaders of the Party.

Applejack will get an overseer who will tell her she has to run the farm without help, even planting at Winter Wrap Up – how dare a big strong farmer pony like her ask others weaker then herself to do her work? “From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs”, remember. This overseer will mostly likely know nothing about farming and make stupid suggestions Applejack will have to follow. When she inevitably fails to meet targets, she'll be sent to prison and the overseer will take over the farm, bringing in city unicorns as slave labor. Apple Bloom will been taken to another town to be “reeducated” in Party ways. Big Macintosh will be forced to join the army and told the only way he'd see his sisters again would be to behave and follow orders. Granny Smith would be sent to a poorly run old folks home to starve to death. The farm would become less productive and there would be food shortages..

Sugar Cube Corner would be forced to give away food – how dare they refuse a needy pony? As shortages got worse, there would be long lines every day for things like bread. Parties would be banned as wasteful and conspiracies against the Party – I don't think Pinkie Pie would last long after that.

With most doctors killed in the revolution, Fluttershy would be told that caring for animals more then ponies is treason against the ways of the Party and forced to become to town doctor. All she would be able to use would be whatever herbs she could find, as there would also be shortages of medicine.

I'm not sure about Rainbow Dash – there's nothing in our world to compare to weather control – but based on history she would probably end up making sure that the sun always shines on the Party, while allowing the rest of the weather to go wild or follow some poorly thought out plan.

The common pony would see that effort is punished and need is rewarded – so they would do as little as possible and try to be needy as they could. The would see loyalty to the Party makes you successful and dissent is punished – so they would praise the Party. The Party would reinforce their image by building elaborate homes and headquarters – even as ponies starved.

Perhaps you think I'm being unfair to communism, since you know nothing about it, but consider this. Remember how shocked you were by the death toll of human war? Communism – by revolution, murder of dissenters, and starvation – has killed more people then have died in war in the last 100 years. Do whatever you can to make sure this doesn't happen in your world.

Respectfully,

Tony Meman

Dear Tony Meman,

That looks terrible. I don't want any human political systems in Equestria. Ever.

-Twilight Sparkle

Dear Scootaloo,

Hello from Earth! My name's Doel. Great to get to talk with you!

I just have one quick question for you, but if you'd rather not answer I totally understand.

All I want to ask is, why cant you fly?

I don't know the first thing about pegasi, we don't have them here, but I figured you'd learn to fly pretty early on. Maybe I am just clueless though.

Either way you seem to get around on that scooter of yours just fine, and it is in your name after all (Scoot-aloo).

'S pretty unique and you've got some serious skills from what I've seen.

Anyways, keep on truckin'.. er.. scootin'!

Doel

PS: Good luck with the crusading! I've got a feeling you'll find your talent soon enough, just don't try so hard. Something natural comes.. naturally :)

Dear Doel,

I can fly! Just, you know, not very far. I can't really generate enough lift, my wings are sorta... rotated forward, so it pushes me forward, not upward. I can control it if I think about it, and I can fly for about... I dunno... twenty minutes on a good day. I'm starting to improve.

The scooter is just easier for me.

Thanks for the support,

Scootaloo

Dear Pinkie,

Right now it's summer where I am, and I'm bored out of my skull right now. I can't really think of much to write to anypony about (which is why I've been just writing to Rainbow Dash about how awesome/cute she is), and the hot, sticky weather here is clouding my judgment.

Hey, I've got it-- let's talk about candy!

Let me tell you about one of my favourite types of candy. It's called Starburst. It's basically a little chewy square, and when you chew it, it goes all fruity in your mouth. Simple, but effective. The original flavours are orange, lemon, cherry and strawberry, though there are many other flavours available. There's also another kind of candy I love called Jolly Ranchers, which are like Starburst, but hard instead of chewy. The flavours for those are apple, grape, cherry, watermelon and my favourite, blue raspberry.

Since you seemed to like that "Pretty in Pink" song I suggested, I've got two more songs I can recommend to you. They're part of a type of music that was popular for a while many years ago, called "bubblegum pop"; it's a very light and fluffy type of pop music, and was intended for consumption mainly by kids in the late 1960's. The two songs I'd like you to look up are:

"Yummy Yummy Yummy" by Ohio Express
"Sugar Sugar" by The Archies

They are rather silly songs (particularly the former), but they are also quite endearing. And given both of them compare the sweetness of love to the sweetness of candy and sugar, I'm sure you'll love both of them.

Enjoy!

Nathan R.

Dear Nathan,

I love summer! You get to swim, and run, and play, and jump, and sing, and play... and... uh... well, you get the point.

Oooh, we have things like that here. My favourite flavour is all of them. Why are raspberry flavoured candies blue, anyway?

I'll be sure to check those songs out!

-Pinkie Pie ♥

Dear Pokey,

Oh hell...Don't panic, man! I'll figure something out. I'll uh...M-Maybe I could....I'VE GOT FUCKIN' NOTHING!

Alright, I gotta calm down....Um...I'll think of something. As I'm writing this I sent a new shipment of bubble wrap...and it got stopped, and destroyed...You're a unicorn, right? You must know magic, then. Do you know any invisibility spells? Any that could turn a 6.2 foot human or a small package of contraband bubble wrap invisible long enough to get through the...what is everyone calling it? The rift? Yeah, the spell would have to work long enough to get half way through the rift.

Don't panic, man we'll figure it out.

-Your supplier

P.S. Whatever you do don't [CENSORED BY THE EQUESTRIAN MAIL SERVICE] and you'll do just fine and have plenty of bubble wrap in the future.

Dear Pusherman,

I'm jonesin' real bad man! I don't know how long I can keep goin' like this, man!

I'm cold all the time.

-Pokey Pierce

I wanted to know about somethin Gilda. My names Felix by the way, not gonna tell you my last name, people just laugh when they hear it. Oh, if it aint comfortable or anything to answer, that's fine too, I wouldn't blame you.
I wanted to know, what exactly was your childhood like? Because, personally, I think your bitter over something. If you had a childhood like I did, you have a damn good reason to be, my parents treated me like nothin. They would always come home, angry about something, "The laundry isn't folded right! Look at the bathroom, it's a wreck! It's too fucking hot in here! Felix, get over here, be useful!" and if it isn't anger, it's them beating on me.

    Doesn't help they they didn't clean up after themselves, nearly broke my muscles with a beer glass injury. Me and my sister got out of there as quick as it could be done, God damn someone wasn't doing their job up there. Bitter's the tip of the iceburg, I can't finish my education because they weren't even productive enough to pay for basic schooling, most colleges just leave me in the dust.
    I need to keep a level head though, I hate them, I really do, but I can't do nothin about it. Maybe someday it'll get better. So...does any of this seem familiar? Tell me if it does. One last thing, no, for a thousand times so help me god, NO, this letter aint involving mushy kissy gunk. Believe me, I'm sick of that stuff right now, I always come into the local pub, and there is that newlywed couple talking all about lovin each other and pointing fingers at the barstools. Jim has a sleeping disorder, they always label him as 'washed up'. Misery loves company I guess.
    Hope your doing better,
    Felix.

Hey Felix,

Might as well talk to you, since you're not some kinda weird belly-rubber guy.

I don't need to know your last name. I like human names. They're not so... descriptive. Kinda like Griffon names. “Gilda” is a humanification “Gree-ahhh” which means “Four Claws” in Griffish.

My childhood was alright, I guess. Pretty normal for a Griffon. Got trained in hunting (yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm only a veg-head when I'm in Equestria.), fishing, flying, that sorta thing. I had a knack for foreign languages, so I picked up Equestrian when I was just a cub. When I turned 14, they sent me over to Cloudsdale to join Junior Speedsters. Hardly any of the Ponies could compete with me, 'cept Dash. We became friends, for a while at least, 'till she started dating that Storm Chaser chick. Like, we still hung out and stuff, but, yeah.

Then she kicked the living hell out of Glittering Wings (I had a nickname for her. Take the first syllable of her name and see what it rhymes with, in English at least.) Bitch deserved it. Woulda done it myself if Dash hadn't already.

And I would've done far worse to her Dad, but Dash wouldn't let me. Some kinda family loyalty thing.

Your parents sound more like her dad than my parents. The Griffish parenting style is... well, it's kinda cold. Like, you still get loved, and stuff, and families/clans are super close-knit, but, well, emotions aren't exactly encouraged. I'm not bitter over anything.

Just cause Dash abandoned me and all to go with her fillyfriend.

One time, when we were like... sixteen, I think? I called her out on it. She called me a homophobe. ME. All I said is that she kinda ditched me. Exact words.

Anyway, you got a right to be bitter. Embrace it. One problem I got with the Ponies is they're all in that little love-cult friendship thing. We Griffons worship nobody. Not Celestia, not Caeli, not anybody.

As for “lovey, kissy junk.” I'm sick of it too. Ponies are constantly falling in love with each other. We Griffons, well, we don't do that. We mate, we have cubs, we mate again. That's it.

Anyway, it felt good to get this off my chest (which, by the way, you're not allowed to rub.)

Thanks,

Gilda.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I have unlocked the secrets of magic thanks to your letters. I now have basic matter manipulation, or telekinesis, at my disposal.

It's pretty hard- it takes more concentration then I thought, but I can perform basic tasks now. I was wondering, can you mentor me in the basic fundamentals of magic? I'll figure out the rest from there, but it's rather interesting.

You don't want to know how I acquired these abilities- let's just say a bunch of research, some cave exploring, and fighting insanity for a few days. I now have a shiny new amulet though.

Anyway, I want to know how you warp, or teleport, to the location of your choice. That would be very helpful when trying to avoid my new stalkers, who REALLY want this amulet.

Also, a shield spell if you have any- something really strong, because bullets hurt, and I haven't quite figured out how to heal wounds.

I understand if you don't want to teach me a bit- heck, the magic here might be different from yours- but I went through a lot to obtain these abilities, and I'm not going to let a bunch of bullies come and take it from me.

I've got to go- I heard a vehicle park outside. They found me.

I'll be sure to check in soon, until then, I hope you recover well.

(Hopefully) your student,

Will.

PS: Slow time spells would help as well. You don't know how hard it is to dodge metal flying at 2000 feet per second.

Will,

Stop what you're doing NOW. If you're not lying, just... stop. You'll get yourself killed, or worse, give magic to humanity.

There's no way I'll ever teach you.

-Twilight Sparkle

It's Jeb. I'm assume you are agreeing to the proposal? That sounds good.
Twas afraid that you would be frightened off by such a strange request.
Since you are still talking to me though, first things first.
How is your day going? I hope it's a good day for you, In our world today its Friday.
It's a celebratory kind of day.
Most people get off of work on Friday.
Parties and get togethering usually happens.
Nothing for me though, but I am looking forward to the letters.

Maybe you might celebrate though.
Well, I have another song for you. This is called Dream. It's a classic ditty from Frank Sinatra, he's a legend from the 1940s through 1960s. Since you preferred hearing the original voice by the way, I'm just leaving you the video with translated lyrics. Who knows, maybe you will learn how to speak a little english too.
I've got the mandatory link for those who don't have the direct video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL1qTx_rljc&feature=channel_video_title

...And The song also leads me to a question.
What would you define a dream as? And do you feel that dreams have a connection to spiritual beliefs? They say that your subconscious can reveal a lot while you're sleeping.
My doctor found out that I grind my teeth a little while sleeping, so apparently I'm under stress.

Heh, I think the song is making feel a little sleepy. It's a nice and peaceful song in my opinion. Reminds me of better times, when people just seemed to have a little more spirit.

Again, thanks for taking up the challenge. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them in responding to this one.

Jeb.

Dear Jeb,

Funny you should ask that. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. I got a few humans on it right now... tryin' to figure things out for me.

You know, I used to think dreams were just like, fantasies. You know, doing two simultanious rainbooms, being with a nice-looking filly, or colt, or both, flying with the Wonderbolts... you know, that sorta thing. But ever since this whole “bleed” effect started happening... well, I think that it's something more. I don't know if spiritual beliefs have anything to do with it, but I think it's... it's something more. Maybe it's a mix of subconscious and other things, I dunno.

I grind my teeth, too. Also, sometimes, I wake up screaming. I did it last night, according to Storm Chaser at least (she's back in town, by the way.) Don't remember a thing, not even waking up. At least I had somepony to hold me, and try to calm me down.

Anyway, you've given me a lot to think about,

Dash

PS: Go celebrate! You deserve it.

Dear Applejack,

In no way did I mean my previous question as a slight to your abilities. I know that you are fully capable of handling the work. Still, it's always easier to get by with a little help from your friends. There's no shame in that.

So the family sticks to apples regardless of specialization? Hmm.. this begs me to ask the question, how did the Apple family even get into the apple business in the first place? It's probably been an extremely long time so if you don't know all the details then don't worry about it.

Not that it matters much but my family were traditionally farmers going back a few generations. Mind it wasn't anything as nice as apples though.. just wheat and potatoes from what I've heard. But such is our world that the crops cant all be so delicious.

Quisque velit (Best wishes),

Archaeo

P.S. - Please don't actually go trying to harvest with your legs ride. I really don't want to be responsible for the outcome of that and you've got nothing to prove to me. I could never do the work you do.

P.P.S. - Hope the dreams clear up soon

Dear Archaeo,

Sorry I went off on you. It was mighty mean of me. I'm not that kinda filly, honest.

Welp, we've been farmin' apples for hundreds of years, before that, we farmed turnips down in Alabamhoof. That's really all there is to it.

Ah, so you know about the dreams, huh? Yeah. Me and Rainbow have been seein' things... bad things. I was that human kid again last night... dang. That's messed up. Thought I was goin' crazy at first, but...

Anyway, best not dwell on it.

Thanks for writin' sugarcube,

Applejack

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Have you ever tried teleporting vast distances, and perhaps to even alternate dimensions? and on a note, why did you not teleport to escape the hydra in the episode Feeling Pinkie Keen.

I am also interested in the myths that inhabit your realm, specifically the dangerous ones, can you describe the sentient and evil ones? I need a army of some sort.

Defender of light, Wielder of darkness,

Shadowlord

Dear Shadowlord,

I've teleported from Stalliongrad to Canterlot before. That's about as far as I've gone. I've never tried another dimension, because, honestly, it's too risky.

I'm not going to help you build an army.

-Twilight Sparkle

That letter was addressed to Twilight, you silly filly!
I asked about the acne thing because I was hoping she'd know a spell that could remedy common boils. Long story short, magic isn't exclusive to just horned beings. That's why I asked about the metal replacement thing. We have augmentations that allow human beings to do marvelous things with their minds! Including magic!
It's quite new technology though, don't mention it to anyone. I'd hate for somebody to get ahold of this stuff with the insidious intent . . . .
Anyway, if you could ask her for a transliteral copy of a blemish removing spell, that would be great. Actually, ask her about the synesthesia theory too. I want to know what she thinks about it!
Try not to tell her about the "humans with magic" dealie just yet though, I have a feeling she wouldn't well to that.
You're among the only ponies I'd trust with information like that.

Thanks,

Marcelli

Dear Marcelli,

Yeah, sorry 'bout that. Guess the address thing got kinda worn off, and the letter ended up with me.

I asked Twilight. I tried to not tell her about the whole “human” thing, but she saw right through that. She's super against it. Like, almost creepily so. She was mad. Sorry.

I wish I could help,

Dash

PS: Is it cold in the winter with such a small amount of hair? How do you stand being so... well... bald?

Hi Pinkie,

I've just got two more questions for you. First, I know you enjoy singing and can sing about almost anything. But how do you decide what gets a song and what doesn't.

Second, what is it that makes promises so important to you? I am in no way trying to imply they aren't important, I just wanted to know your reasons?

Bonsai

BOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIII,

Hi! Hmm... I guess I don't really decide. The moment takes over and I start SINGING!

Promises are the glue that holds friendships together! If you break a promise, well, you could break a friendship.

FOREVER

Bye,

Pinkie Pie♥

Dash;

Ah, honestly I wouldn't know, I've never tasted pure electrolytes. I think they're supposed to be salty? Anyway it's sweet because it has a sweetener added to it - we're kind of obsessed with flavored beverages over here, and sugary stuff is more palatable than sour stuff, obviously. And no, it's not made out of alligators! I don't really know why they called it Gatorade...I think it was because it was named after the sports team it was created for (The Florida Gators)?

Sorry to hear that they're blocking stuff going through the Rift now, but it's understandable. Probably related to all the stuff that happened over here recently - what with the Moon up and basically teleporting to eclipse the sun and all. Weird, now all the religious nuts are in an uproar about the apocalypse. Who knows. Though from what you're saying it sounds like there was a major governmental upheaval over there...I wonder if the two events are related. Maybe our two worlds have a stronger connection than we thought.

Wait, Twilight has (had?) guns? I thought you lot didn't have the technology for those kind of weapons...weird. I dunno how you'd even use them anyways, if you weren't a unicorn.

Hm. Curious indeed.

So, old religions becoming new again, hmm? Are your kind (pegasi) feeling any obligations towards switching from their current religions back towards this Caeli fellow?

-Scherzo-

Dear Scherzo,

You guys like sugar and alligators? Pinkie would love you! I'm glad it's not made out of aligators... that'd be gross. Speaking of which, what sport do the “Florida Gators” play?

Yeah, to be honest, I think that's a good move. Flamethrowers and pistols should stay on your side of the veil. They say they'll re-open it one day, I just don't know when.

Wait... what happened? Weird things were going on in your world, too? And you guys don't even have a sun-god controlling everything! Tell Twilight about this. Now. She'll know what to do.

Sorry, I started shaking for a minute, Storm Chaser got a bit worried. ... the apocalypse? Like... End of the World? What kind of religious nuts? What's going on?! As for the connection... I don't even know, man. I don't even know.

Twilight had guns sent to her by the “Organization” for “self-defence.” She never used them, and she's since destroyed them. I don't know what the hell they were thinking.

Yeah, a lot of them are coming back. Caeli made a big public appearance in Cloudsdale. He started speaking in Pegasusian, mid-way through realizing nopony speaks that anymore. Kinda hilarious.

There were always Caeli worshippers, but they were looked at as a bit... weird. Their numbers are starting to go up now, but, overall, Celestia still has the most worshippers. And it's not like they're different religions. They're all the same Pantheon. Everypony that worships worships Every God.

As for me? Well, I don't really worship anypony. I've never been a religious Pony. Sure I'll show respect to the gods if they're in town or whatever, but I'm not devoted to them or anything. Twilight's probably the most pious out of all of us, and that's really just 'cause she's known Celestia since she was a filly.

I like talking to you,

Dashie

Derpy Hooves,

Let no other eyes but yours see this letter. Especially your Gods... Not now. They may be involved later.

Your contribution has been noted, and contact with Pinkie Pie has been made. The Greenskins are catching on; it is only a matter of time before another galactic catastrophe happens. But there may be a way to stop it.

As you already know, the Golden Ratio can be best labeled as the Golden Rectangle when visually drawn. You know that there is an equalibruim between its length and width - when squared, there is another perfect rectangle with the same Golden Ratio. You know that it can be squared infinite times. You know that, if one were to connect the golden rectangles with a single curved line, there forms an infinitely ongoing spiral. The mythical Golden Spiral. The spiral is found everywhere in our world: weather patterns, nautilus shells, tornadoes, flowers, animal horns, hurricanes, fingerprints... Our very galaxy, the Milky Way.

It has come to the conclusion, however, that you hold the key that will prevent half of both of our galaxies from imploding.

We are not too late to act, but things are crumbling down already. The Greenskins have attempted at entering our orbit, but I assure you that weapon SkyFury is keeping them at bay for at least awhile. We are aware of certain double-agents within your sector... Intercepted intelligence reveals a being that goes by codename Gummy. But we are running out of time. We must begin initiation of Project Golden Spiral. Alert the others, especially those of the dragonkin.

Attached are more muffins at your request.

We will get through this. They will not succeed.

-Dan, but know me as Agent ZettaLux from now on.

Burn after reading.

Muffins,

Dragons will be clocktower radio. Reptillian Death-Lords Nagafolk calculator coffee mug beach ball. Rusty ceiling fans,

-Derpy

Pinkie

Idea for a prank. (Would this class as a prank? Probably)

Get Rainbow Dash to get some of that Rainbow Juice from the weather factory that you and your friends visited. Add a drop (Or more) into a batch of cupcakes. Laugh hard as ponies scream from spicy-as-all-hay cupcakes.

Cruel? Perhaps only to the ones who have ABSOLUTELY ZERO tolerance to anything remotely spicy. Or if they literally burst into flames, and a drop of ANY type of juice shouldn't cause spontaneous combustion.
Funny? Very, unless somepony runs into a wall... and as far as I'm concerned, that is THEIR fault.

If cruelty is a problem, then you could do it as a bonus to people you know CAN deal with the heat. Buy something, get special Flame-cakes.
It probably wouldn't hurt to have milk on hoof, would be useful for anyone who can't handle it, also it would stop them from sprinting about and hammering themselves into a wall.

Furball.

PS: If anyone DOES get mad, just say "April Fools" and tell them it's an earth holiday, when you play pranks and jokes on people. Wouldn't know if you ponies got that, since well... from what I recall, you guys just got seasons, and no months. (I am a very nosy beaver) Oh, and April Fools is a one day thing, don't think you can use it ALL the time!

Dear Furball,

That's funny! Hmm... I'll have to talk to Dashie about that. She has a rainbow-pool at her house, so I could just go there!

Thanks for the idea!

Pinkie Pie ♥

PS: That's a great holiday! April is in Spring, right? Also, we do have months, but they don't have the same names as yours. Hmm... the first of April on Earth would be...fifth of Natus? That's about right. I think. Just so that you know, our months go, in order, Nova (It's the only one not named after a god.), Maris, Caeli, Terrestia, Natus, Agrius, Celestia, Ignis, Hominus (he's the Bridge Lord. Nopony really knows what he does.), Luna, Astrus, Nexus.

To Ignis,

You. Ate. Her. Lunch.

God damn it, you’re more evil than me. I mean, woaw, her lunch. I tried to sneak Apollo’s once. My ass still hurts.

Your race was wiped out? Ow, I’ve missed that part of the story. You mean there are no more cool technological firebreathing ponies at all in Equestria? I’m disappointed :/. Those guys were cool. Seriously.

I know, Chuck got an ego as big as the Milky Way. He may look a bit stupid at first, and he may claim that he’s worshiped by mere luck, I know better. This god is a genius – the kind of mad genius you found in movies. Some humans started to joke on ‘Trollestia’, but Chuck is even worse than their most terrible nightmares.

But I don’t care, he’s very funny this way. If you don’t mess with him, he’ll pay you back. Hell’s administration may look boring, it allows me – and Hades too – to do things that the others gods would never have allowed. But since they never go in the Undercity… They just can’t know. And that’s awesome. And that’s why I wouldn’t accept to be in charge of the whole world: that means too many restrictions.

Please, could you stop calling me ‘Lucy’? That’s the nickname Chuck gave me a long time ago. Just before someone decided to tell the humans that was a nice girl name. And then he says Loki is a pranker. Sigh.
So well, I’m used to sign ‘Satan’. It’s not really my title anymore, you know. The mankind tend to mix identity and charges over there.
Anyway. Call me whatever you want. We’re gods, these kind of details shouldn’t bother us.

Lucifer

PS.: Oh come on, you don’t believe this angels/demons classification Chuck created, do you? That’s pure bullshit. That’s an administration like any other, there’s no good guys, no bad guys. Only workers and bosses….
I know what you’re thinking. But just know that no, the demons aren’t the bosses. Angels can be evil too. Ask Gabriel. I still can’t believe he managed to make Chuck think Maria was virgin. Or the human that he was an asexual being. Of couuurse.

Dear Lucifer (finally goin' by the old name, eh?)

You'd better keep your fangy mouth shut about that, too. I'm a fire god, you know, and I'll roast your ass faster than you can say “Yahweh's third best Angel.”

Chuck seems shiftier than Celestia. Way shiftier. In fact, even starting to call himself “Chuck,” tryin' to be a man of the people, when he has a real God Name. He's trying to make himself out to be the nice guy. I've learned something. You don't get to top god by being nice.

Also, angel, demon, whatever. You all look the same to me.

-Ignis

Dear Dashie,

Look Rainbow I certainly understand this is more than weird for you. Don't worry about trying to explain so much, I understand what you're trying to describe more than you may think. All of this does fold back to what I tried to explain before. I know it wasn't great but.. hell I'm just becoming an undergrad student. My area's history, but I'm doing my best to help you figure this out.

Now for your questions.

1) The Hansel I believe you have dreamt of is a character from an anime on earth called "Black Lagoon". He's an abused child turned assassin who, as you saw in your dreams, wields a large axe. To say that he is disturbed is an understatement.

2) A Maiasaura is a large reptile called a dinosaur (something similar to a dragon) that lived on earth 74 million years ago. However being on a train as you said brings only one explanation and that is of the character Millie Maiasaura from the children's show "Dinosaur Train". I know very little of this show, actually had to look it up to find out.

3) A Care Bear is yet again a character from a children's television show (sensing a trend yet?) that is essentially a small bear somewhat like a teddy bear that goes about cheering up sad children with their special powers. As well as teaching them the value of kindness and.. friendship. (They all have something similar to your "cutie marks" on their stomachs.)

How do the dreams, Applejack and yourself sharing them, the Earth/Equestria bridge, and Ashleigh Ball, all tie together?... Well.. alright, no sense drawing this out and even though I'm not sure if explaining this will violate some fundamental universal law or something I'm not going to worry about it. You have a right to know. Bear in mind I don't fully understand it either.

All of these beings I've just explained to you to be television characters, all share one link. They all get their voice from Ashleigh. They aren't real as far as I know (this link makes me question that but I'm still fairly sure they aren't) and as such require someone to play their character to bring them to life. Ashleigh does this. How does it relate back to your situation? She does the same for you and Applejack.

Or is it 'did'? I don't know, but prior to the bridge being established that's all you ponies were to us. Characters on a TV show. So naturally actors were hired to give you a voice. I now understand that they were most likely translating what was already there. Why you perceive her as sounding like yourself.. that's either a coincidence or there really is some sort of cross dimensional link and she's our equivalent to you (and strangely enough, Applejack as well.). This I can not and will not even claim to understand. Either she is our version of you or she simply provides a voice, that is as simple as it gets. I don't know what else I can say other than I don't think you're in any kind of danger. (A similar explanation for this can be applied to all of your affected friends by the sounds of it.)

Yes, adorable. Ridiculously. Freakin'. Adorable. I'm a guy and I can say I'd be going "D'awww!" and want to hug the hell out of you but.. *cough* yeah... I think you get the point.

Everyone's smart in some way, but Pinkie... some things are simply better not to question. For the sake of existence. For the sake of your own sanity. Believe me I've learned from experience.

Oh you poor poor creature! Whatever can we do? The masses must be protected from that sinister DJ so nothing like this ever happens again! And of course the children! They're the most vulnerable of all. I pale to think what she could do to their pure young minds! D: (You? Innocent? Right, and I'm the bloody king of England >:P )

And way to reinforce my point Dash. Does sound like a wild time though. That would've been hilarious to see! The apartment thing though... a little concerning yeah. I've a feeling that somepony was very confused when they got home. Maybe it's best not to know?

Buuuttt... that's not quite what I meant either. Never yet ended up ditched because of that. I'm not much of a partier. No, whenever I've ended up in a ditch it's usually out of my own lack of attention or foresight. Succinct to say, do not try to run across mountains or golf courses at night, they are full of deceptive pits and trenches. My ankle and knee can attest to that fact. (Woo! I walk like i'm sixty!)

Take it easy.

Your bud (yeah?),

Archaeo

P.S. - Thanks. Totally stoked for it, but no parties for me. I'm far too busy for that. (Sound familiar?)

Dear Archaeo,

Yeah, that all sounds familiar... wait... lemme think. Uh... Hansel... Gret? Gretle? Something about some place called Romania? Something to do with Gilda? I dunno.

Millie Maiasaura... dinosaur train. It's a kid's show, right? Hmm...

Yeah... Care Bears. There's a clumsy one, right?

I need footage of all these shows. I need to see it for myself. Also, universal laws? HEH! Those obviously don't apply anymore, considering I'm writing a letter to a being in another existence. The voice... Also. Send me footage of my own show. I need to see something.

I have a theory. A crazy, crazy theory. So crazy that I'm not going to write it down yet.

Anyway, to the other part of your letter.

Okay, we're cute. I'll accept that. If you ever see me for real, I'll let you hug me for thirty (30) seconds.

Pinkie's got some kinda weird connection with something. I'll never understand it. Ever.

I'm innocent, I was just taken advantage of. Numerous times. Okay, sure I initiated 60% of the time, but, uh... well... they were flirting with me! (Storm's laughing her flank off right now, just so's that you know.) And as for that DJ! Well, clearly she needs to be locked up to prevent anymore damage on the young minds of Equestria! With her “techno” music, and her well toned flanks, who does she think she is?

Also, I had no idea I was talking to royalty!

As for the apartment thing... yeah. Not my best moment. Feel sorry for who ever's apartment that was (the things we probably did in there!) Such is life in Manehattan.

That was not the first, nor the only time in that city that I woke up in a ditch.

You walk like you're sixty? Well, run like you're 20, and a runner! Speaking of which, what is a “golf” course, anyway?

I'm going to go “corrupt” Storm Chaser with my “sick, sick fantasies” now,

-Dashie

Mornin' Dash! And, probably Storm Chaser too ^^

(Oh, and I say "Mornin'" regardless of the actual time of day. I usually write these messages either in the middle of the night, or in the middle of the day. You could say it has turned into a sort of "trademark" with me. My friends asks me what's wrong when I stop saying it xD )

Say, Storm Chaser, you don't mind if I call you simply "Storm", eh? To me, saying the full name sound kind of overly formal. Is "Chaser" your family name, or is it a part of your given name?

On that note, if the answer is that it's part of your given name... Do ponies even HAVE family names? To us humans, it's incredibly important to have them, because if not we'd constantly confuse eachother simply due to the amount of people having the same name. For example, I know of 5 different people that has the same name as one of my little brothers. Since we live in a very small town (by human standard, which is some 1000 inhabitants. I dunno how large that is in pony-terms though), that is really rare, but still.

And, on the subject of names...

Dash, in one of the other letters to you, I noticed that you don't mind any nicknames, with the exception of 'Bow. Just out of curiosity... Why is that so? It doesn't seem to bad to me.

Anyhow; I think I have figured out why Equestria seems to have a consistenly smaller number of... Mostly everything.

You see, it's about half the size of Earth.

Atleast, the surface area of the landmasses is.

If I assume that land/sea is distributed roughly equal on Equestria as it is on earth (That is, some 30% is land, rest is sea), then Earth is about 2,2 times as large as Equestria. No wonder there are so many of us humans! xD

Hmm...
Say, do you per chance know the gravitational constant of Equestria? I know that's the kind of question I should rather ask Twilight, but since I'm already ranting about it, why not.

If it helps, the gravitational constant is the same as the acceleration you get downwards in free fall.

I'm wondering if gravity is lesser on Equestria you see; if it is the same as Earth, that must mean the planet is much heavier. Though, I guess this is more or less a little side-track.

Now, on to something that might be a bit more interesting for you. Namely, Storm Chaser ^^

Say, where does she live again? Assuming she hasn't moved in with you already. If so... The daym girl, that was quick. xD

If I remember correctly, her job is anti-tornado jobs or something?
How does someone even DO stuff like that? Do you just kick it into submission or something? Unrealistic, but would've been awesome if it was true.

Well, you DO kick thunderclouds to make them release rain, so you're already violating the laws of physics in ways I can't even imagine... But still.

Anyhow, have fun, both of you!

Yours truly

Jack

Dear Jack,

So this is for both of us, huh?

This is Storm talking, right now.

We don't generally do that. Sometimes names will be kept in the family, Dash's friend Applejack (who is very nice, by the way) 's family generally keeps the name “Apple” in their names, as a sort of tradition. As for me, “Storm Chaser” was just kind of the name I was given. I can't really think of a reason for it, but, I guess I lived up to it, since that's my job now.

This is Dash again,

I dunno, it just sounds stupid. Maybe it sounds better in English. Lemme check.

Nope, still stupid.

Wait... do you think there's some kinda complex, psychological reason for it? Do I look that unstable to everypony?

Celestia, I must be a wreck.

I guess 30/70 is about right. And , uh, just from memory the gravitational constant of Equestria is... uh... 6.3287901x10-11 m3 kg-1 s-2

Unless I screwed up the sigfigs. Sometimes I do that.

As for Storm, she lives in San Anponio. It's pretty far out west. We haven't moved in together yet, so she has to go back for work a lot.

We try to make the most of the time we have together.

She's trying to find a Storm-busting job nearby. It wouldn't be in Ponyville, but sometimes hurricanes form off the coast of Baltimare, which is only like, half an hour's flight from here. Also, she told me, right of the bat, that me moving to San Anponio is out of the question. She says I gotta be close to the other five elements, in case Equestria is threatened again.

Anyway, I'll let her answer that.

Tornadoes are like a house of cards. There's a spot where the cold air meets the hot air, and if you can keep that separated long enough (with a nice, hard, kick.) the tornado dies. Essentially, you hit the right spot, and the whole thing explodes.

Sound familiar, Dashie?

Wow, subtle.

There's also another method for taking out the bigger tornadoes. You gotta fly really fast in the opposite direction from the one that they're turning. (PROTIP: In the northern hemisphere, tornadoes will ALWAYS spin clockwise.) It's hard, and only a few pros know how to do it properly. I don't like doing it that way myself.

Anyway, she's worked all over the place. Denmare, Whinneypeg, Oatland, Maneapolis, Salt Lick City, Tampa Neigh, even as far away as Flankfurt (it's one of the few places where they still speak Ponian more than Equestrian.) and Maneilla. She can take down tornadoes, hurricanes, cyclones, airbursts, windstorms, even forest fires.

I've never really taken on anything bigger than a thunderstorm. Her job looks so exciting compared to mine.

Dangerous though... she was on a job last week. You have no idea how worried I was for her.

Anyway, thanks for the well-wishing,

Dash and Storm

Twilight Sparkle,

At the Grand Galloping Gala (and multiple other events) you girls burst into song. Now for certain events like... let's say Winter Wrap Up, something that occurs every year, this seems... normal to say the least... or at least nothing out of the ordinary, save for maybe your input into the song. (Since it was your first wrap up in Ponyville)
But the Gala? Was that organised or did it just happen? Seems WAY too perfect for it to be unplanned.

Also if Pinkie offers you a special cupcake, don't eat it. Trust me on this.

Furball

Dear Furball,

Hmm... that doesn't happen on Earth, right? I don't know, I've always kind of taken it for granted.

I'll have to research this more,

Twilight

PS: Stop reading “Cupcakes.” Seriously.

Dear Moondancer,

Greetings Moondancer

Twilight skipped your big party

Would you like revenge?

Sincerely,

Qetuo

P.S. Seriously though, your twenty-first birthday is a big deal, and Twilight skipped it just to read a stupid book. All because she's the Princess's personal student, she acts like she's better than everyone. Doesn't that just make you want to take her down? Show her that she's not so special?

Sincerely,

Wait, I already did that. I don't need to do that again.

Dear Qetuo,

I know, right? I invite her, and she doesn't even show up! Some Ponies, right?

You seem kinda familiar... do I know you from somewhere?

-Moondancer.

Dear Twilight,

Sigh. I’d hopped ponies would be different from humans. I was wrong. It’s always the same story. Always the same refusals, the same hates. Hey, I’ve never been loved on Earth, why would have it be different on Equestria?

I should have known better. But well. No one can change the past, right?

Don’t worry. The moment you read this letter, we’d left your world and stopped tainting. And when I say we, I mean the survivors. Me, and Crossman. Honestly, I’m sure he’s not going to make it. But that doesn’t matter, right? We’ve cleaned up the mess we’ve started. Or did we? Were we responsible for this? Did we have to sacrifice our very life to safe your ungrateful world? I hope so. ‘cause even on Earth, none deserve such fate.

But I know, I know, you don’t care. I’ve lost everything. Everything. Fluttershy’s cottage wasn’t the only thing burned to the ground. But hell, I’m a human, that doesn’t matter, right? It’s not like I’m a sentient being. We’re monsters after all. We don’t deserve compassion. We only deserve death and oblivion.

I know, I know, I’m wasting your time. The portal will activate any moment now. We’ve destroyed all the things we didn’t managed to bring with us. One would find only ashes were the chopper and the base camp used to stand.

I’d like to say I’m going home, Twilight. But unlike you, I don’t even have a place to call home anymore.

Be happy for all of us. You deserved it.

- Gig

GIG!

Can't you take a hint? STOP. CONTACTING. ME. As far as I'm conscerned, you... you killed them. If it weren't for you, and Qetuo, and your entire species making everypony go insane, THOSE PONIES WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. And, on top of that, you directly killed Ponies. They found Firecracker Burst’s Cutie Mark. Just laying there. On its own. The rest of her body was in chunks littered throughout the town. But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?

I'm glad you're alone, and I'm glad you have nothing to go back to. You don't deserve anything to go back to. You murderer.

Go... die or something,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I have sent you a book that my interest you. It's called the Necronomicon.

I know you hate me, but still. It is highly recommended that you read this book. It contains secrets that you are sure to find.....interesting.

Well then, happy reading.

Sincerely,

Qetuo

P.S. While you slept I broke into your house and stole your food.

Dear Qetuo,

I don't know how it got through... Physical objects are being screened, now remember? I'm not reading it. I'm just going to put it on the shelf and forget about it. So there.

I don't want to talk to you, murderer.

Dear Rarity,

I didn't mean that Rainbow Dash and Applejack weren't feminine, not at all. It's just that here on Earth, we seem to have androcentrism, which is the valuing of male traits and opinions over female ones, meaning that being more masculine is generally more accepted and valued. The fact that you work in the fashion industry and enjoy fashion, while being a successful business owner and can hold your own in a fight is really impressive.

Really, I'd rather have magic than hands. Guess it's just the whole "grass is greener" thing.

Do you have any questions for me?

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Oh dear, I would never suggest that you suggested such a thing! It's a bit difficult to have “androcentrism” here in Equestria, seeing as a good 70% of the population is of the fairer sex. I do love fashion, and yes, I can hold my own in a fight (I know some Poni-jitsu, and did a bit of magic dueling back in Finishing School. I know, terribly unladylike, but one can never be too careful, can she?)

Personally, dear, I'd rather have magic and hands. They must be so... well... handy, no pun intended. I was blessed to be a unicorn, and so I have a bit of an unfair advantage over my fellow Ponies. I admire the working spirit of the Earth Pony, of course. They more than make up for their lack of magic with their work ethic.

Anyway, dear, I must go. I have a fitting this afternoon that simply must be done. And so, I bid you adieu.

Sincerely,

Rarity

Dear Fluttershy,

My favorite animal would have to be... I guess, everything but snakes, because one bit me. And they eat mice, which is gross. What's your favorite animal?

Also, I heard about what happened. Are you and your animals ok?

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I like all cute little animals. They're so nice and cuddly...

None of my animal friends got hurt, and neither was I... my house is rebuilt now, so I guess everything is better.

Still... I don't know how anypony could do that.

-Fluttershy

Dear Ms. Sparkle,

We usually do not involve ourselves in personal matters – our actions are always for the greater good of entire nations. However, it sometimes happens that one of our employees, because of our acts, had to suffer an unexpected backfire. They all vowed to follow our creed and to sacrifice their life to the common good, so, most of the time, our men are ready to handle such a situation. Yet, the confusion and the urgency of the recent events in your world forced us to engage, for the time of a single mission, a civilian, an outsider, to improve our chance of succeed. This strategy, on a global scale, perfectly worked. The “Red Star” operation now belongs to the past. But on the individual scale, however… Beforehand, know that on the twelve members of the commando, two ever crossed the portal back to Earth. And that on the two of them, one died of his injuries a few hours after his arrival. Gig is the sole survivor of the squad, and he owes his survival only to mere luck.

Then, we had to tell him that his house was burned down, that he was reported dead, and that one of his only close friends has been killed during a riot in Egypt.

I guess you understand his state of mind when he read your last letter, coldly ordering him to leave Equestria at once, without enquiring of his health, nor thanking him, nor even trying to cheer him up.

Fortunately he was already striped from his weapons. Because the devastated look on his face clearly showed his thoughts. He was devastated, Twilight Sparkle. Then came anger.

And then came acceptance.

I won’t lie. I have seen – done – terrible things in my life. But the look on his eyes just freaked me out.

You may not realize how much you were dear to him. He was almost into the abyss when he started sending you letters. Then, the “Red Star” events give him a reason to life. He lived to protect you and your friends, as stupid as it may look. When we first contacted him, we only wanted to dissuade him from warning the official authorities. But his voice betrayed his will. We followed him closely, and so did the other factions. When they sent someone to kill him, we warned him. And when he had to run away, we helped him. And when we asked him to dive into another dimension, almost disarmed, without any training, to stop a full-scale revolution, he didn’t hesitated a single second, Ms. Sparkle. He left everything behind, using you has an anchor to reality.

And then you broke this link.

We don’t blame you, and I guess neither does Gig. His last letter may be a little harsh, he only wants to be noticed. I know it is foolish and childish, but we owe him, and we will not let him in this state.

But we may have a solution. However, we will need your help. It will sound awkward, but…

Just forget the Staliongrad events. Forget you’ve ever seen him. Forget his insane struggle around the “Red Star” operation. Forget and forgive. Show us the magic of friendship.

Just… send him letters like you used to do. Wipe out the past, for you can’t change it anymore.

And maybe, maybe he’ll get out of the hell he put himself into.

- A friend, forever

You,

Do you really think I could forget those things? What he did? What you did? The “Magic of Friendship. “ You'd know NOTHING about that. Don't lecture me, Upright Ape, about FRIENDSHIP! He DESERVES hell! YOU deserve hell! Your species deserves hell! My species deserves hell!

Dear Celestia,

The Pantheon is back in charge? Ouch. That’s the dark side of the interventionism: everyone wants to be in control. I don’t have to worry about the other Earth gods: after all, I’m the major god because most the mankind believes in me, not because I sealed them away in another dimension. Besides, I delegate some tasks to others gods, so they can think they’re important. Tasks like afterlife management. Heck, I guess Lucy didn’t forgive me yet for that prank ^^. He shouldn’t have tried to start the apocalypse thought.

But you’re right, I’ll keep an eye on them, just in case. You’re a tyrant, or you’re not, right? ^^

By the way, I’ve been working for a while on alternate dimension making. In secret, of course. Don’t tell anyone I’m trying to create worlds to rule, I’ll warn you when I’ll manage to recreate sentient beings. So far, I only synthetized mono-cellular carbon-based entities. I also desynchronized the time in this dimension, so we won’t have to wait several millenniums. I guess they’ll be ready in a century or two.

Sincerely,

Chuck

PS.: Good luck with the Council. You’ll need it.

PPS.: Lucy says ‘hi’ to Luna. I’m starting to wondering if he doesn’t have a crush on her… Uh.

Dear Chuck,

Yeah... tell me about it. I'm just one vote out of ten, now. Oh well... we can't have everything, right? Get this, last week, one of them (I bet you it was Terrestia. I don't like the cut of her jib!) ATE MY LUNCH! Can you believe it? MY LUNCH, FOR CELE... MY... SAKE!

Anyway, I'm an ex-tyrant. Oh well. After the “Mane six” as your human subjects like to call them are ascended to godhood, I'll have a strong voting block behind me. That's why I decided to do it, anyway. Well, originally, it was just to use for a god war, but, hey, I can't have everything.

I might just ascend a few others, too. I have a feeling that Fidelus might be a bit of a challenge to convince if I don't let her bring along her girlfriend. It would be a bit of a drag seeing the Pony you love shrivel up and die in front of you, so, obviously that must be accounted for. Emotions are such tricky things, aren't they?

That's why I killed off most of mine.

Anyway, we have a vote on... road access fees in twenty minutes. I'm sure Ignis will oppose me, even though he has no experience governing. Perhaps he should focus on lighting things on fire?

Sincerely,

Celestia

Goddess of the Sun

(str) Undisputed Ruler of Equestria

PS: I need to get a new stamp...

Dear Dash,

After I sent you that letter, I felt like something bad was about to happen. I then saw the news, I hope no one in Ponyville got hurt. If no one got hurt, me and my friends will throw a live concert for the people of Ponyville, if the worst-case scenario happened, we will have a memorial session for all who passed away. (I really hope it doesn’t come to the latter.) We all hope you will be alright. In light of this, my friends are sending gifts to you and your friends:

Leon and Gakupo Kamui send their regards by sending:

For Twilight= A novel series titled, “Negima!”

For Fluttershy= An encyclopedia of all of the different animals on Earth

For you= All of Rise Against’s, Avenged Sevenfold, and Metallica’s albums

For Applejack= a new set of farm tools customized for pony use

For Rarity= A collection of some of the finest formal wear customized for ponies.

For Pinkie Pie= a collection of new Party Games

Miku Hatsune and Megurine Luka send their regards by sending:

For Twilight= A set of books on the history of the Renaissance Era

For Fluttershy= a set of new toys for her animal friends to play with

For you= DVD’s of live performances by “Drowning Pool”, “Black Sabbath”, and “Godsmack”

For Applejack= seeds of crops harvested in Earth

For Rarity= another collection of fashion from earth customized for ponies

For Pinkie Pie= a new collection of party supplies

Meiko and Kiyoteru Hiyama and Utatane Piko send their regards by sending:

For Twilight= books titled, “Hunger Games”, “Battle Royale”, and “World War Z”

For Fluttershy= a new set of beds for the animals she takes care of

For you= an electric guitar and amplifier and a book on how to play certain songs (we made sure that all of the songs are rock)

For Applejack= a swimming pool

For Rarity= new sewing machine (it is the best quality you can buy)

For Pinkie Pie= a book full of recipies for desserts and sweets

Me, Rin, and Len Kagamine send our regards by sending:

For Twilight= a novel titled “Watership Down”

For Fluttershy= Rin and Len made a collection of small animal figurines

For you= me, Rin, and Len made you a Wonderbolt hoodie and we also bought a set of guitar picks and also I provide you with an autograph by me

For Applejack= a new TV (50 inch flatscreen), DVD player (with instructions), and 10 movies

For Rarity= a silver necklace with a cross hanging from it made of diamond

For Pinkie Pie= a bouncy house and party supplies

Sincerely,

Kaito Shion

Dear Kaito,

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! It's like the Winter Solstice in here!

Apparently, this was delayed in transit, and it all sat in a warehouse somewhere in Canterlot for like, three weeks. I'm glad you sent it all before the block went up, or else I wouldn't be able to get all this stuff.

This is like... incredible. Everypony is super grateful for everything. Especially Applejack. She's having a bit of trouble trying to set up the electronics, though. It keeps flashing “12:00.” Still works, but it's annoying.

Anyway, I'm starting to learn to play that guitar. It's all in the hooves, and I'm starting to get the opening riff of “Smoke on the Water.”

I have a long way to go.

Also, the autograph was super sweet of you. Thanks Kaito, you're awesome.

Sincerely,

Dashie

PS: Nopony in Ponyville was hurt, physically. Still, maybe you could throw a concert for the Ponies in Stalliongrad? They're still rebuilding from the war.

PPS: Storm says I look hot in that hoodie. I'll agree with her :)

Dear Fluttershy,

So. This is what being the embodiment of kindness means.

Telling me to never write to you again, taunting me by saying that all the gods are after me and not even offering to help?

I said I wanted to make amends. But no, you've shown me that friendship is meaningless. And for that I thank you, I momentarily lost sight of my true goal and tried to be friends.

The day will come, through a combination of my technology and the magic I learned from Equestria, I will reign over both worlds.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Qetuo, The Left-Handed Man

P.S. So wait you're not Ignis? Hmmmm..... but if that's the case then why....... hmmmm........ maybe... I see, I'll have to run some more tests. But know this, there is indeed something odd about you that none of your friends have. I will discover what it is.

P.P.S.S. Hello!!!! This is one of Qetuo's minions talking. I have a question. Absolute safety or absolute freedom. Which would you prefer?

P.P.P.S.S.S. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S. Qetuo again I was just wondering if you would know a good place to eat. Oh wait. I don't need to eat. BECAUSE I'M 79% ROBOT!!!

Qetuo,

I... have... come... to the EDGE OF MY TOLLERANCE WITH YOU!

Do not harm my friends, you murderer.

You will be brought to justice. Mark my words.

-Fluttershy

Dear Applejack,

How do you like THEM apples? You inbred hick.

Sincerely,

Qetuo, The Guy Who had your Apple trees turned into Orange trees.

Dear Qetuo,

Only one tree was actually changed, you robot son of a hoe-nie. Guess whoever you got workin' for you ain't exactly competent.

Go soak your head, and short circuit,

Applejack

PS: I AIN'T INBRED!

Dear Gilda,

Ever feel like taking up a life of super-villainy?

It's tons of fun! And it just so happens that I need an informant to give me info on the Griffin kingdom.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Why would I help you?" and "Didn't I tell you to stop mailing me?"

Well.....

If you help me, I promise to use my techno-magical prowess to develop a machine that will turn Rainbow Dash into the same Rainbow Dash that you knew from your days at the academy. Also, you will get the chance to cyborgify yourself. (Flamethrower arm! Or maybe metal claws?)

Also, I don't really take orders from anybody so...yeah I'm mailing you again. It turns out, when you are the head of a super evil organization, you don't really have to take orders.

Please think about it.

Sincerely,

Qetuo.

Dear Qetuo,

Sometimes. But there is no “Griffon Kingdom.” We're all under the “big, happy banner of Equestria.” Damn hoofbeasts think they can rule us.

Dash, she used to be one of the cool ones, then she bowed down to Celestia and became an element or someshit and now she's totally lame.

So, you know what? If you can offer my people independence, I'll help you, as long as NOPONY and NO GRIFFON gets hurt. Get it?

Sincerely,

Gilda

PS: If you ask, even once, to rub my belly, the deal's off.

PPS: I don't wanna be no “cyborg.”

Dear Agent C,

So, it seems that our information was off and Fluttershy was not Ignis.

But, the readings on DGX machine are impossible for that of a mortal. Furthermore while each of the element bearers have unusual DGX readings, only Fluttershy has readings reaching this high a level.

I need you to look into it some more. And give me more DNA samples of her.

I'm going to try an OTL scan. I know it's archaic but there is something I need to see.

Fluttershy may still be key to my plan. Even if it's not in the exact way I imagined.

Sincerely,

Qetuo

Dear Qetuo,

I'll look into it.

-C

Dear Pinkamena Diane Pie,

I called you by your full name instead of your nickname.

What tragic memories and experiences does that remind you of?

Sincerely,

The Pyschopyscologist

Dear Psychopyscologist,

None! But it did remind me I gotta renew my ID! Because I gotta use my full name on that. Thanks!

-Pinkamena Diane Pie♥

Dear Rarity,

Every night I watch your sister sleep.

And you can't stop me.

Signed,

The Toucher

Toucher,

I... uh... ee... uh...

Gaaah.

Twilight;

I suppose I should have gave a little warning label in my last letter when I sent that - I forgot how literal you take things! The Bible is at least two thousand years old, and a lot of things have changed since it was first written. It's not taken so "by the book" anymore, it's really more like a set of guidelines than actual rules. No one (of a sane mind) is put to death for working on a Sunday anymore, nor is it required to not work on Sundays, or is burned at the stake for their beliefs, etc. It's religion, and it's complicated - very complicated. And as far as virginity goes, it's moreso like a symbol of ones purity and innocence, since it's not something that can be given back - once it's taken, it's gone forever. Homosexual relationships are still frowned upon, and it's rare that someone will be outright murdered for such an act - it's just seen as immoral because nothing comes from it (you might have gender-swap spells over there but here we have no such thing, and thus, you can't conceive a child with someone of the same sex).

An interesting take on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - but honestly I can't really imagine a bunch of three foot tall pastel ponies being imposing as War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. It's...not much of a threatening mental image, is it, when you think about it?

Stalliongrad? Dash mentioned a flamethrower thing, and something about old religions coming back? Is this related? We recently had a bit of a...okay, a really major unexplainable celestial event happen over here lately (the Moon moved a couple thousand miles in an instant to eclipse the Sun - giant balls of rock hanging in space just don't do that), and I'm beginning to wonder if these things are related somehow.

-Scherzo-

PS: Yes - there's a few sayings from foreign languages that other languages use, unaltered, on occasion. "C'est la vie" means "Such is life".

Dear Scherzo,

Well, I kind of guessed that it was out of date. It used pretty anachronistic sounding language.You said that sane folks generally don’t follow it that closely. But that’s the rub of it, not everybody is sane, particularly with you humans.

Now... on to Stalliongrad... I think it is related. Like it or not (and believe me, I don’t like it.) our worlds are connected now. I foresee dark times for the both of us.

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Do you think I should forgive a certain human for... well... for what happened in Stalliongrad? A part of me says that it’s not his fault, but another part of me is blinded with rage for him. I really don’t know what to do.